Top 20 Reasons Why You Probably Sleep Solo...

So I've been doing a bit of people watching lately... And I thought I would attempt to help some of you guys by compiling a top 20 list of my observations as to why I believe you very likely are single, despite your best efforts.. 

1.  You walk around wearing Affliction, Christian Audigier, and Ed Hardy shirts thinking you are incredibly hardcore and original.. but being a guy, you don't even realize 4 other guys around you are wearing the exact same thing.. and did you notice the only girls who are trying to pick you up are strippers, because they are gold digging little whores who know if you spent $200 on a t-shirt, then you will likely eventually pay to get their lips, boobs, or nose done.. but if thats all you are looking for, well then.. congratulations, I guess.

2.  You are the epitome of douche-baggery.  If you don't know what that means, well then you definitely are a douche bag.

3.  You are over 30 years old and live at home still.. And not for any good reason, other than the fact you are a lazy, free-loading, SOB with no life ambitions.  So, oh so sexy.

4.  You smoke.  And not just when you drink, but all the time.  Sorry, that is gross...

5.  You have poor hygiene. (ie. bad teeth, breath, skin, nails, nose hair, ear hair, chest hair.. Yuck!)

6.  You haven't worked out in a very long time, and it's quite noticeably apparent.

7.  You are a ridiculous drunk.  

8.  You're friends are ridiculous drunks, or just straight up ridiculous and perverted.

9.  You think it's cool to brag the next day about how hung over you are, how drunk you were, etc... WE DON'T CARE!

10.  You don't drive, or you do drive but it is illegally because you have actually lost your license from a DUI and/or speeding tickets..

11.  You laugh at your own jokes.. and you are the only one laughing.

12.  You think the bar is a wicked place to pick up.

13.  You are still technically married.

14.  You have children that you don't even take care of, or you lie about not having any at all.

15.  You are homophobic.  Seriously, get over yourself.  Not every gay man wants you, and in fact no gay men probably even want you considering their standards are often higher than straight women's!

16.  You think flowers are necessary only when you do something wrong.

17.  You still think eyes are located on breasts.  

18.  You believe winking is sexy.

19.  Your idea of a romantic gesture is making someone a mix cd of club anthems..

And last but not least... 

20.  You carry a Murse.. aka Man Purse.  For the love of god, please just don't.  What the hell are you carrying in there anyways- tampons and lipgloss? 

Fella's... if any of the above has applied to you in any way, do yourself and us ladies a favor and read a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine.. Go ask your sister or mom to borrow theirs!! Please, we are begging you!